When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
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What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
I hope it’s French Onion!
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
How to make infinite energy.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.