After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
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Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
This a good idea
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
every college guy’s fridge
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught