My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
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“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism