HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
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No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Kids: Stay in school.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.