reviewed some movies recently
You Might Also Like
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
welp
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
just leave it at the foot of the bed
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does