I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
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Stop sending me this shit.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo