Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
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I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Best mom ever 😂
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that