Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
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EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭