Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
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And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”