New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
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Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.