[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
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If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.