I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
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Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.