Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
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“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
I’m not proud
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.