If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
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Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
another case of gang violins
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Are we there yet?…
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school