Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
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[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.