Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
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Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.