I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
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What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside