Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
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Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise