I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
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Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Chicken bread
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Nothing to do, you say?
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos