Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
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5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Damn he played himself
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
A bold strategy
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else