Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
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My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
just leave it at the foot of the bed
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
My favorite female superhero
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*