The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
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Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Tony Hawk, age 6
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.