ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
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I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
That’s what I call a flat tire
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”