Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
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Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Sheep
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow