[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
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BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.