me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
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I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Time for evil
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane