My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
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I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think