[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
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All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
😂💯
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.