[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
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Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
Name another movie that mislead you?
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing