Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
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Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”