Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
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Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
North and South
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Geez man, take it easy.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
Sniffing the broccoli
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.