Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
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Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.