For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
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“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
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90Me: Nailed it.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this