Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
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My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Velcrow
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.