*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
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wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Good morning, Twitter 😊
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
I created you as mosquito food.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background