when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
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What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
I need this for my side hustle.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”