You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
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Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
How funny!
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact