The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
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The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
*skinny dips into black hole
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”