“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
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You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.