If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
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women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
They grow up so quick
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.