My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
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Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet