I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
You Might Also Like
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
#MeanwhileinCanada
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Look at this
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.