HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
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Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
yeet
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?