SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
You Might Also Like
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?