Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
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I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Important reminders
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.