[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
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There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”