Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
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You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need