[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
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oh ffs josh did you not read the email
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?