I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
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BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..