College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
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I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache